Gira told me yesterday that Prasun had not done Kumon work since last Monday. He missed going to Kumon on Thursday and then again today (Monday). I confronted him with this - but rather than asking what and why? I just told him we are getting him out of Kumon because it is a criminal waste of hard earned money. I have absolutely no problem spending as much money as I have to if it is put to good use by Prasun. I told him 'look, this does not mean I don't love you, because I truly love you very much from the bottom of my heart'.
He said he needed a break for a week.
Come on, don't give me that crap. I know you've been carrying around those Kumon papers even in car, even when we went to Bing. You thought you'd do it, but again, the same old laziness and procrastination creeps in. Then you try to 'justify' by telling me you wanted a break.
As I was cleaning the table downstairs preparing to use it myself, he asked 'what can I do to make you happy'?
I told him very honestly - you don't have to make me happy. Reason is that I don't want artificial and temporary or short lived happiness. He says something, I feel like he wants to change (which he genuniely wants to), but those promises to himself last not more than a few days at most.
- I tried to motivate him, and when he said he needs a better 'system' to help him remember and do things he wants to do, I showed him various 'tools' such as writing a to-do list, carrying a 4x6 card, using a diary, preparing a daily diary, and so on. It works for a few days, he goes back to his 'good' old happy go luck self.
- last week, he motivated himself to get up early and told he goes jogging. I was happy. It lasted 2 days. Thursday and Friday, nothing. Then weekend nothing. When Gira asked, he said - only weekdays. Today is Monday. Nothing. So, I said, there is no use getting happy on hollow promises.
At the start of Summer, when his last marking period results of 8th grade came in, I was furious, and dead serious when I told him he is not going to High School. Deep came to his rescue and convinced me that he will work with Prasun, and Prasun will change!
Summer is over. Prasun knows where he stands.
All I wanted of him was to learn discipline. I told him, I don't care if he does not ready any book, I don't care if he does not read newspaper, I don't care if he spends the entire day on computer and TV, all I want is he develops discipline in life.
Where have I failed him as a parent? What did I do wrong? Am I too hard on him? Am I too soft on him? I try to help him, and try so many different things to help him see what is right and wrong. I try to be strict, I try to be soft, I try grounding him, I try - well - doing nothing - even that has failed!!! God, Please help me help him.
It is past noon today and I have not been able to concentrate on work because all morning and afternoon, this has been bothering me. I have been worried.
Question is, is Prasun even bothered or concerned? No matter what happens, he just will go and watch TV or play on computer.
I guess, I am giving up - sorry Mom, Sorry Dad, Sorry God, I know I have failed you. I will leave Prasun alone, I will not tell him anything at all. Even if he fails in High School (he's too smart to fail, but he will get C's perhaps B's), I will not feel bad. I will just be there for him, if he needs me.
What I want - honest to God - is he trusts me and loves me. I wish he talks to me as a friend, because I understand his frustrations - social and other. I know he wants to 'fit' in. I know he wants to be liked by others in school. I know he wants to be liked by girls, he wants to be perceived as Cool. I do understand. I know he thinks his parents are typical 'desi' but how do I let him know that I know and understand more about American life, its pressures on kids, than any other Indian born parent?
I wish he shared his life with me as a friend and gave me a small place in his mind and heart.
That's all I ask!
